Title: Hanging in between

By: Unknown

Category: Angst

Notes: Lyrics are from Lifehouse, the song is 'Hanging in between'

After this case, mission, whatever you want to call it, there is something different; something has changed, in me. Or with us, I don't know. Maybe both. I am desperate for change. Change in my life. I have been going down this route of denial, denial of lots of things.

'What things?' you say? I swear Mac; I can hear you in my head, even when you are not here.

Things like the direction my life has suddenly taken. Well not suddenly, its been turning that way for a long time, I was just never ready to put it back on ourse.

Sad but true, I am a Naval aviator at trade and in my heart, I always knew how to go back on course when my plane suddenly steered in the wrong direction. Is life that different? I guess so.

Do you think I am closer to you then when this all started? I hope that we are. I miss you.

It seems like we have drifted apart, like we are no longer friends. That thought in itself makes me sad. It hurts to think that the one person who understands you, your very soul, doesn't want to be friends, doesn't want any sort of relationship with you anymore.

Yes Mac, I am hurting.

You know I am getting better with expressing my feelings Mac, I just wish you would see that. Or even care.

Even if you don't admit it or care, I do still have feelings for you.

God Mac, on that Russian sub, when the Captain said he was going to launch. Do you have any idea what that did to me? I knew you were on that sub, Mac; and there was nothing I could do to stop him.

What if I lost you out there? I don't know what would have happened to me?

Visions of myself, crying on the floor of my room, not knowing which way was up. There are visions of me resigning my commission, letting go of Renee, Mic trying to kill me because of what happened to you, and me not doing anything to stop him.

It's an ugly picture.

I don't know what I would do if I lost you, to war...to another man.

When I first saw you, after I had left the Russian sub, I don't know what to say. It was one of the most wonderful moments in my life. Seeing you standing there, the wind whipping through your hair, blue sky, the water, I don't know. The moment was just perfect.

Back in Sydney, when you asked me to let go, I should of Mac. I realize that now, of course it's to late, and maybe that's my punishment.

But I have let go, of everything. I am ready, and now there is no reason to be.

Like I said, that is some cruel punishment, someone has felt I needed to have.

I am falling more in love with you by the moment. Every time we brush against one another, if my mistake or on purpose (although that is becoming less and less frequent these days), or you look at me from across the room like...I don't know. Does it matter? It's everything Mac, and now I can't do anything about it.

Help, can anyone hear me?

As I stood there in the office today, as we came back, everything felt back to normal, then reality came back into the picture. I am not moving Mac, hoping that you will see that.

So I am hanging onto that moment, there in the office, when you went willingly into Mic's arms and me into Renee's, when we both turned and looked at each other. It was like the very person who was embracing us, wasn't even there.

I am hanging onto that moment for as long as I have to.

When I am around you, I can hear you in my head again Mac, when I am around you, things seem to just fall into place, things don't seem to bother me or effect me as much. The world just seems to be a better place. Well maybe that's not totally true, but I can deal with it a lot better with you there by my side.

I do forget what I think are my faults, what I think I could change or want to change, when I am with you. Do you know why Mac? Do you even care?

I do because, you like me with all my faults. You accept me for me, not for what I have gone through or what you seem to think you would be able to change. And you know what I love you for that. No one else has ever done that for me.

Did I just say what I thought I just said?

And you will never feel the same.

Great just great.

If I invite you with me Mac, would accept? I know I would accept if you invited me Mac. There is no place I'd rather be.

Right now, as I sit here at home, alone, for the first time in months, the only thing I know how to live for is JAG, it's the only thing that has been there, through thick and thin. Is work the only thing I have to live for? God I hope not.

I know deep in my mind that I am crashing, just like I did on the carrier all those years ago. My life is going down and I don't have an ejection lever to pull to get out. I am stuck with no place to go. No direction to follow.

Where DO I go?

Help me, somebody help me.

Mac, I am still hanging onto that moment. Hell all the moments we ever had between us. Is it too much just to want to be with you?

I have nothing left to lose, well except my job, and I highly doubt that is ever going to happen. So does that mean that technically I have lost everything?

I can hear you saying, 'Harm you have everything in the world, and I don't want to hear you talk like that again, do you hear me sailor?'

But I have, I lost you, didn't I?

How I miss you calling me 'sailor'. God I miss you, I miss us.

There is nothing left for me to do around here Mac, nothing left to fly. I have done it all, except the one thing that truly means everything to me.

There is nothing else.

What am I going to do?

The End